The Enemy

I have a neighbor, who happens to be a teenage girl whose house I stay in when my mother isn't in town. Yesterday I happened to be leaving her house after my mother returned home. I thought I left some things at her house, so I went over there and asked her if she had my things, when she started cursing at me and calling me "a little bitch" since she had friends over. When that wasn't enough she started banging on my door and trying to assault my house. As of right now I'm barricading myself in and stockpiling on vital supplies.

Fanfiction has a whole bunch of genii

 Fan fiction writers often write things on their posts such as:
~Normality will be restored as soon as we figure out what it is.
~You always get whats coming to you; unless it gets lost in the mail.
~Silence is golden but duct tape is silver. I guess I can settle for second place.
~Flying is not inherently dangerous- crashing is.
~Beware the letter 'G'. It is the end of everything.
~Forecast for tonight: darkness
~If you try to fail and succeed, which one did you do?
~Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
~There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line
~I'm not random I just have many thoughts

Percy Jackson and The Olympians (I don't own this)
1. When in doubt, find the dam snack bar-The Titans Curse
2. With great power comes a great need to take a nap-The Last Olympian
3. Paradises are places that can get you killed- The Battle of the Labyrinth
4. Gods get offended easily. Then they blow stuff up.- The Titans Curse
5. You can fight monsters, see Annabeth, and make things go BOOM at the same time.-The Batteof the Labyrinth
6. You can't fix a person like a machine.-The Battle of the Labyrinth
7. Monster will vaporize when sliced by a celestial bronze sword.-The Battle of the Labyrinth
8. Avoid poisonus swords or you'll die, after you shrivel slowly to dust-The Battle of the Labyrinth
9. Anything is possible: including blue food and that Percy can pass seventh grade - The Sea of Monsters
10. People, and horses, who call Mr. D. the wine dud end up in a bottle of Merlot.- The Titans Curse
11. Three kids can drown in a really big bath.- The Lightning Thief
12. Everything strange washes up in Miami-The Sea of Monsters
13. You can't enjoy practical jokes when you feel like one.-The Last Olympian
14. Just say hello to the poodle.-The Lightning Thief
15. When you need Tantalus to go away, tell him to chase a donut. -The Sea of Monsters
16. Even heroes drool in their sleep- The Lightning Thief
17. When things seem bad enough, they usually breathe fire.-The Sea of Monsters
18. When barnyard animals don't want to kill you, they want food.-The Lightning Theif
19. Don't blow your nose when someone near you is running from skeletons.-The Titans Curse
20. Don't beat a god in a video game- he might want your soul. -The Last Olympian

You Know You're a Writer If: -You talk to yourself a lot. (e.g. Hmm, what would happen if three kids were left in a school all day alone! BINGO story idea!)
-You talk to yourself about talking to yourself. (e.g. 'Why do I constantly ask my self random things?' "Stop talking to yourself!" "No why should I?!")
-When you talk to yourself you often talk to yourself like you're talking to someone else. (e.g. 'Have you ever noticed that deliver could mean someone's liver?')
-After uttering a profound piece of wisdom like that above, you stare at the cookie in your hand with awe and say, "Wow,this stuff is great for sugar highs...'
-You live off of sugar and caffeine (the two greatest things ever discovered!)
-You'll check your e-mail every day of the week and then disappear off the face of the earth.
-You're e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random.
-When replying to an e-mail, you'll never actually address the point of it.
-You tend to collect Bic Sticks off the ground like picking pennies off the ground.
-Your friends and family think that you have carpal tunnel syndrome.
-People think you have A.D.H.D.
-You think it'd be cool to have A.D.H.D
. -You constantly start talking in third person, present or past tense.
-You start thinking about making lists like this and start giggling for no "apparent" reason
-Your friends stopped looking at you funny for no apparent reason a loooooong time ago.
-And FINALLY, the one way to tell if you're a good writer: You failed English 101. (copy this into you're profile if you fit one or more of the descriptions)

Thank You Huntress of Artemis 101 for the following inspiration
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
9. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
12. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
16. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
17. Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how living remains so popular?
19. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
20. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.
21. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
22. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
23. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
24. You can't have everything, where would you put it?
25. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
26. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
27. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
28. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
29. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
30. Shin: A device for finding furniture
31. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
32. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
33. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
34. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
35. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
36. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
37. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
38. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
They say guns don't kill people, people kill people. Well, I'm pretty sure the guns help because if you stood there and shouted 'BANG' I don't think you'd kill a lot of people.
One way to figure out how things work, push all the buttons!
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is filled.
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
When your are in jail a friend will bail you out, but a best friend will be sitting right next to you saying "dang that was fun!"
People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world
Life isn't passing me by, its trying to run me over.
Boys are like trees, they take 50 years to grow up.
Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic...
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
God created man-THEN had a better idea!
Be insane... because well behaved people never made history
Your year book picture still haunts me.
The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is GOING somewhere.
I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.
You don't like me, well it's mind over matter. I don't mind and you don't matter.
364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that?
You're a special kind of stupid, aren't you?
Secret admirers are stalkers with stationary.
Doctors say I have multiple personalities. We disagree with that.
So what if we act like immature idiots? We're having fun.
One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh,he just took a wrong turn,got lost,and is to stubborn to ask directions.
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and stare at it for hours.
Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
I DON'T obsess! I think intensely...and like all the time
Jogging is a slow sprinting, Coach!
You Know You’re a Book Addict If:
You can randomly open to a page and know exactly what's going on. (absolutely!)
Read the book until 4 A.M., then get back up at 7 to continue reading. (YESSS!)
You try to get all of your friends (and everyone else) to read your favorite books. (yeah!)
You accidentally call everyone by the character's names. (sometimes, my friends got amused at first, but after I did it five times, they got annoyed.)
Everything reminds you of the book. (yes)
You quote random lines all the time. (yes)
You try to do things that the characters do, even though you know you can't. (yes)
You've gotten incredibly bored in class, and debated on doing something your favorite character can do to escape the class. (in my head)
You have pictures of your favorite characters on your iPod. (no, but I have a bunch in my computer desktop)
You've got a book memorized. (yes I read it so much that I just start to memorize sentences, then paragraphs, then chapters, and then books. My mom was surprised and amused when I forgot to bring my book (The Red Pyramid) to read it to my brother's, so I just said it by memory)
You've read a book more than five times. (Five? I've read it more than ten.)
You've read a book with 400+ pages in less than two days. (yes, I read 500 pages in four hours)
You've planned and prepared a siege on a writer's house because he/she killed a character you like.
You've plotted to murder a character.
You hate it when someone calls your favorite character fictional.(You'll never know)
You blatantly deny it when someone calls a character fictional.(yes)
Your idol is a character from a book (yeah, while everyone else has sports stars or celebrity role models, I look up to book characters and authors).
I am a book addict and proud of it! If you are, then copy and paste this on your page.

stuff writers write

A dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest, honestly, it's the honest ones you can't trust. -Jack Sparrow.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. -Mark Twain.
Any girl can look glamorous. All you have to do is stand there and look stupid. -Hedy Lamarr.
Come again when you can't stay so long. -Walter Sickert.
Is boredom anything less then the sense of one's faculties slowly dying? -Arthur Helps.
The reason doctors are so dangerous is that they believe in what they are doing. - Robert S. Mendelshon.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 different ways it won't work. Thomas Edison.
Fear is pain arriving from the anticipation of evil. -Aristotle.
Welcome death, quoth the rat, when the trap fell. -Thomas Fuller.
Writing a novel is actually searching for victims. As I write I keep looking for casualties. The stories uncover the casualties. -John Irving. (Does he know me?)
Are you really sure that a floor can't also be a ceiling? -M.C. Escher.
Everything you can imagine is real. -Pablo Picasso.
Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle. -Lewis Carroll.
Why is a raven like a writing desk? -Johnny Depp; Lewis Carroll.
Off with his head! -The Red Queen; Lewis Carroll.
What happens to your soul when you get unwound?; Who says I even got one? -Neal Shusterman.
There are no stupid questions; just stupid people.
People who say it can't be done should not be trying to prevent those of us who are doing it.
Car Service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
One of the great things about books it sometimes there are some fantastic pictures. -George W. Bush.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's pupils. -Louis Hector Burlioz.
Everyone wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. (Heaven Scmeaven when if I stay on Earth I could make even more enemies.)
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. -Lily Tomlin.
Always remember you're unique, just like everybody else.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways. (I'm still working on that one.)
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you can't do. (My philosophy.)
Worst excuse for turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from. (I tried that once.)
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is never try. -Homer Simpson.
Whatever it is-I didn't do it! (Why do I have to use this one so much?)
Hard work never killed anybody; but why take a chance?
No please, don't eat me. I have a wife and kids, eat them. -Homer Simpson.
I hope I didn't brain my damage...-Homer Simpson.
You will always remember this as the day that you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow. -Jack Sparrow.
Elizabeth, it would have never worked out between us darling...I'm sorry. Will, nice hat. -Jack Sparrow.
My peanut! -Jack Sparrow.
Why should I sail with you? Four of you tried to kill me in the past. One of you succeeded. -Jack Sparrow.
He needs the pearl, Captain Turner needs the pearl. And you felt guilty, and you and your Brethren court...Did no one come to save me just because they missed me? -Jack Sparrow.
Would you mind pointing that thing another way? -Jack Sparrow.
You know that feeling you get when you're standing in a high place and have the sudden urge to jump...I don't have it. -Jack Sparrow.
He is a big fat guinea pig brain! -Theodore Roosevelt.
I dare you to tell me to walk through fire. -Shinedown.

fears-
Arachibutyrophobia: Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth. (PEANUT BUTTER ROCKS)
Alektorophobia: Fear of chickens. (Chickens?)
Anatidaephobia: the fear that somehow, somewhere, a duck is watching you. (Hahahahahahahahahahahaha:) I love this one!)
Bibliophobia: Fear of books. (How can someone be afraid of BOOKS!!!!!!!!!)
Cathisophobia: Fear of sitting. (You must be tired)
Dextrophobia: Fear of objects at the right side of the body (Wha?!?!)
Dipsophobia: Fear of drinking. (Dehydration, here you come)
Euphobia: Fear of hearing good news.
Geliophobia: Fear of laughter.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words. (Ironic)
Mnemophobia: Fear of memories (Hey, remember- Whoops!)
Pantophobia: Fear of everything.

You Know You're a Book Addict If:
You can randomly open to a page and know exactly what's going on. (absolutely!)
Read the book until 4 A.M., then get back up at 7 to continue reading. (I wish i could)
You write fanfictions about the book. (Yup.)
You quote random lines all the time.(No, but I do spout facts I learn from books)
You try to do things that the characters do, even though you know you can't. (no)
You've got a book memorized. (Kinda.)
You've read a book more than five times. (YES! Try five-MILLION times! I love books)
You've read a book with 400+ pages in less than two days. (I can read the seventh Harry Potter in two days. Except for the first time I read it, because my dad got it when he came home from work.)
You've planned and prepared a siege on a writer's house because he/she killed a character you like. (no. I'm not a murderer. The worst I'll do is cry. Hard.)

---

lists

The top ten signs that your co-worker is a computer hacker

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."

Fifty fun things to do during an exam

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"

Top Ten Things To Do While Giving Blood

10. Watch the bag fill.

9. Hyperventilate.

8. Pull the tube out of the bag and drink from it.

7. Race to see who fills their bag first (requires two or more people).

6. Puncture the bag near the top and see whether they pull the needle out of your arm before the blood squirts out.

5. While they're not looking, substitute a bag of orange liquid and complain they gave you too much Tang.

4. Insist that you want to give 2 pints.

3. Faint.

2. Tell them you saw the bag twitch.

1. Yell, "Hey, you used that needle on the last guy!"

The top ten signs that someone is using your e-mail account

10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"

9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.

8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.

7. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"

6. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.

5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.

4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.

3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.

2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.

1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."

Top ten signs you bought a bad computer

10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.

7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"

3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.

1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

Top ten ways to annoy your waiter

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.

9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"

8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"

7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".

6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles!"

5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.

4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"

3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.

2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"

1. Three words: eat the check.

Things Learned From Children

1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

6. If you use a water bed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.

7. A king size water bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

8. Some things will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old that you'd imagine would remain in him or her.

9. Super glue is forever.

10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

13. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

15. The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.

16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

17. It will however make cats dizzy.

18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

McDonalds food ideas

Food Ideas Rejected By McDonalds:

Chicken McBobbitts

Salmon McNella

Tom & Roseanne "Together Forever" Value Meal

Shirley McLean Burger

McMenudo

Filet o' Gefilte Fish

Way Too Happy Meal

Lion King Hairball Happy Meal

Them Ain't Nuggets!

McKitty Sandwich

Boutrous Boutrous Burger

Rocky Mountain McOysters

McSpleen

The Depressed Meal

Filet O' Flesh

McShrooms

Bob Barker's Happy Pants Meal

McTonya Club Sandwich

Grumpy Meal, Dopey Meal, and Sneezy Meal

Having a very bad day

You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...

Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.

You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.

You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

Your income tax refund check bounces.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.

You put both contacts into the same eye.

Your mother approves of the person you're dating.

Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.

You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.

Nothing you own is actually paid for.

Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.

The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.

You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.

The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.

People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.

When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.

You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.

You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.

It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it. 

You from New York?

Signs You're from New York

You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.

You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.

You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

The homeless are invisible.

The subway makes sense.

The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.

You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.

You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".

Your door has more than three locks.

You go to a hockey game for the fighting. In the stands. To participate.

Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.

The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.

You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.

You complain about having to mow it.

You are a ski-ball juggernaut.

You consider Westchester "Upstate".

You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Judge Wapner. 

Things dad won't say

Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say

Well, how 'bout that?...I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car-GO CRAZY.

What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

Your mother and I are going away for the weekend...you might want to consider throwing a party.

Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies-you know-that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

Father's Day? Aaahh-don't worry about that-it's no big deal. 

Bad hostage negotiator

Things Not To Do At A Hostage Negotiation

As Hostage Taker:

1. Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.
   
   
2. Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.
   
   
3. Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return, send the others to see what's taking him so long.
   
   
4. Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.
   
   
5. Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.
   
   
6. Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.
   
   
7. Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.
   
   
8. Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.
   
   
9. Forget your gun at home.
   
   
10. Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a "meanie".
    
    
11. Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancee that this is all a joke and would she marry you.
    
    

As Negotiator:

Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off.

When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, "It all you you you! What about my needs?!"

When you call the hostage taker, tell him you'd like a large thick crust pepperoni and snicker loudly.

Show up stoned and do anything at all.

When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone "La la la la! I can't hear you!"

Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants.

Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV movie of the stand-off.

Tell the hostage taker you think it'd be really cool if a hostage came flying out of a 52nd story window.

Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to Hindu if he wants you to deal with him.

When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, "You're never gonna be on COPS with a wimp attitude like that." 

Drink too much coffee

You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When . . .

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You speed walk in your sleep.

You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."

You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."

Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

Cocaine is a downer.

All your kids are named "Joe."

You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.

Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You buy milk by the barrel.

You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."

You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.

People can test their batteries in your ears.

Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can

You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil

You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."

You get drunk just so you can sober up.

You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.

Your Thermos is on wheels.

Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You have a conniption over spilled milk.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

You don't tan, you roast.

You don't get mad, you get steamed.

Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after.

Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.

You can't even remember your second cup.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyd of London.

You introduce your spouse as your coffee-mate.

You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. 

Excuses for sleeping

Excuses To Use When Caught Sleeping At Work

They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.

This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.

I was working smarter - not harder.

Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout.

I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

I'm in the management training program.

I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP). I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

No! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

The coffee machine is broken....

Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.

Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.

Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.

The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.

Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.

I'm just resting my eyes. 

Too many Y2K fears

Signs You Took Y2K Too Serious

You didn't find out that nothing happened for a week because you were holed up in your cellar.

You don't have to go to the grocery store for a year.

You invited the local football team over to eat twice this week, and you still have food left!

You have no savings left because you used it to prepare.

You spent the first week of the new year digging up all your valuables.

You went to the bank on Monday and deposited $2000 of one & five dollar bills.

You went ahead and had your water shut off, so you could use your stored bottled water.

You were depressed because nothing happened !! 

You're a bad customer

You Might Be A Bad Customer If:

You escort people out of line for having 11 items in the "10 items or less" lane.

You walk into a store at 10 minutes to close not knowing what you want and don't decide for another 30 minutes.

You yell out what a GREAT TIPPER you are.

You return the coffee because it's too hot.

You order water with extra lemon (as if it was supposed to come with lemon).

You ask for a discount. No reason specified, just that you should get one.

You get annoyed if a hardware store, etc., does not have the most obscure component in stock, despite the fact that they haven't sold one in over 20 years.

If you buy 10 cent candy to break a 20

You think the Pre-pay sign on the gas pump is for everyone but you.

You buy an expensive dress and return it after the party.

You can't read the signs or coupons correctly, insisting you're right and all the employees are wrong.

While standing in front of the huge line up of TVs, you ask a salesman, "Is this all the TVs you have?"

You dare ask for a discount at a restaurant because your kids didn't like their food after they showed their dislike by throwing said food on the walls and the floor.

You chew out the manager of the local McDonald's for not cleaning up the place, while meanwhile, your kids proceed to launch ketchup packets at each other.

You pay anything / everything in small change (especially pennies) 

Wrong kid is mowing

Signs You Hired The Wrong Kid To Mow Your Lawn

He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.

On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats.

Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.

Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.

You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.

He's fascinated by the details of you home security system.

Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.

Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.

Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks.

No toes.

ll of life's annoyances

Doesn't It Annoy You When...

1. ...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?
   
   
2. ...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?
   
   
3. ...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?
   
   
4. ...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?
   
   
5. ...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.
   
   
6. ...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.
   
   
7. ...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.
   
   
8. ...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.
   
   
9. ...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
   
   
10. ...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.
    
    
11. ...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.
    
    
12. ...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
    
    
13. ...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.
    
    
14. ...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.
    
    
15. ...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.
    
    
16. ...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything. 

Tell him that he's stupid

Creative Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid

A few crumbs short of a crouton.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

A few peas short of a casserole.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck

All foam, no beer.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instruc- tions on the heel.

He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney's clogged.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Elevator doesn't go all th eway to the top floor.

Forgot to pay her brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

If she had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Has the intelligence of a Carrot. 

You're no longer cool

You Are No Longer "Cool" When

You find yourself listening to talk radio.

You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.

You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.

You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.

You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.

When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.

When jogging is something you do to your memory.

Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

All the cars behind you flash their headlights.

You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.

You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.

You actually ASK for your father's advice.

You don't know how to operate a fax machine.

When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board. 

Bad to hear in surgery

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."

Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.

Oh no! Where's my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?

There go the lights again?

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!

Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?

OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?

Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing! 

Thinnest books around

Thinnest Books

The Book Of Virtues By Bill Clinton

The Amish Phone Directory

Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette

George Foreman's Big Book Of Baby Names

French Hospitality

Everything Women Know About Men

Everything Men Know About Women

Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches

Different Ways To Spell Bob

Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors

America's Most Popular Lawyers

Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean

The Wild Years-By Al Gore

Things I Would Not Do For Money-By Dennis Rodman

Human Rights Advances In China

To All The Men I've Loved Before-By Ellen Degeneres

The Engineer's Guide To Fashion

My Plan To Find The Real Killers-By O. J. Simpson

How To Land A Plane At Martha's Vineyard - By Jfk, Jr. 

Government problems

Things To Think About Our Government:

29 Members of Congress have been accused of spousal abuse.

7 Have been arrested for fraud.

19 Have been accused of writing bad checks.

117 Have bankrupted at least two businesses.

3 Have been arrested for assault.

71 Have credit reports so bad they can't qualify for a credit card.

14 Have been arrested on drug related charges.

8 Have been arrested for shoplifting,

21 Are current defendants in lawsuits.

84 Were stopped for drunk driving in 1998 alone, but released after they claimed Congressional immunity. 

How cold is it outside?

How Cold Is Cold?

60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)

50 Miami residents turn on the heat

40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming

35 Italian cars don't start

32 Water freezes

30 You plan your vacation to Australia

25 Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming

20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South

15 French cars don't start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

10 You need jumper cables to get the car going

5 American cars don't start

0 Alaskans put on T-shirts

-10 German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink

-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist

-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start

-25 Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going

-30 You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start

-40 Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South

-50 Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window

-80 Hell freezes over, Polar bears move South

-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets 

Fun at others expense

30 Ways to Have Fun at the Expense of Others

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..

type only in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

Ask people what gender they are.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Sing along at the opera. 

Fun to do in elevators

Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"

Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

Sell Girl Scout cookies.

On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

Shave.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

One word: Flatulence!

On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

Do Tai Chi exercises.

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"

Give religious tracts to each passenger.

Meow occassionally.

Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"

Leave a box between the doors.

Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

Start a sing-along.

When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

Play the harmonica.

Shadow box.

Say "Ding!" at each floor.

Lean against the button panel.

Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

Bring a chair along.

Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

Blow spit bubbles.

Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!" 

Scary fortune cookies

The Top 10 Least Desirable Fortunes in a Fortune Cookie

We know where you live.

You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.

Everyone's meal today is on you!

The "special sauce" came from the floor!

Guess what our special "drop" was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!

Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.

A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.

Your dog Sparky...he's no longer missing.

See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.

MSG? NO!! Ebola Virus....maybe

Halloween handouts

The Top 10 Least Popular Halloween Handouts

Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.

Teeth removing Taffy

Metamucil in a straw

Ex-Lax Brownies

Caramel Covered Zucchini

Colored Crisco on a Stick

Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts

Chocolate Covered Prunes

A Handful of Red Man

Anything that ticks!

Your dentist is crazy

The Top 10 Signs Your Dentist Is Crazy

Keeps trying to sell you extra teeth.

His restrooms are labeled "Bleeders" and "Non-Bleeders"

Pumps gas into the waiting room in advance.

Does an extensive search for cavities...dental and body.

He...ummm..licks his tools clean.

Gets mad when you mention that 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed line.

When you come to from being under the gas, he's quick to insist that you wore your pants backwards when you came into his office.

Wears a necklace made of human teeth.

Has a grindstone in the office for his tools.

Insists that a Novocaine shot is something that he'll buy you at a bar if you just go out with him

Bad to say at funerals

Top Things You Should Not Say At A Funeral

Geez, what died in here?

He looks natural but those shoes do not go with that dress.

Nice service...where's the keg?

When did he die...really...hey Bob, you won the pool!!!

Hey, we're with the Publisher Clearing House Prize Patrol and we're looking for...oh, never mind.

Don't look now Fred but you and the deceased have the exact same suit on.

You know they touched that body up cause that shark has one of them legs.

Not to cause panic or anything but something is leaking out of that casket.

Very bad private eye

The Top Signs That You've Hired A Bad Private Eye

Considers reading "The Hardy Boys Mysteries" actually helpful reasearch.

He has a pet basset hound named "Flash" that acts as his trusty assistant.

His best disguise is wearing a hat.

Keeps getting confused and follows you all the time.

Won't read any messages without his trusty decoder ring.

Dresses up like Jessica Fletcher from "Murder She Wrote" when he thinks he's caught the suspect.

Well, he's blind. 

Terrible history teacher

The Top 10 Signs You Have A Bad History Teacher

Constantly gets Indonesia and Outdonesia confused.

As incentive for learning, when you name a state capital, you get to take a shot.

Insists that one of Popes during the Roman empire was Pope Bubba.

Thinks that Mussolini was Hitler's favorite pasta.

Counts Puerto Rico, Mexico and Canada as "technically" U.S. States.

Tells you that its Napoleon that's the ice cream that comes in 3 flavors in one box.

Insists that the Great Depression could have been stopped with the right amount of Lithium.

Threatens to reenact Salem Witch Trials/Burnings if homework is not turned in on time.

Claims that it was Martin and Lewis that were the great explorers of the West.

Credits David Hasselhoff and not Democracy for the fall of the Berlin Wall. 

fanfiction

You talk to yourself a lot. (e.g. Hmm, what would happen if it was sunny the day Bella got hit by the van? Oh, story idea!! Must get computer!)
You talk to yourself about talking to yourself. (e.g. 'Why do I constantly ask my self random things?')
When you talk to yourself you often talk to yourself like you're talking to someone else. (e.g. 'Have you ever noticed that deliver could mean someone's liver?')
After uttering a profound peice of wisdom like that above, you stare at the cookie in your hand with awe and say, "Wow,this stuff is great for sugar highs...'
You live off of sugar and caffine (the two greatest things ever discovered!)
You'll check your e-mail every day of the week and then dissappear off the face of the earth.
You're e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random.
When replying to an e-mail, you'll never actually address the point of it.
You tend to collect Bic Stics off the ground like picking pennies off the ground.
No matter where you are in a room you never have to get up to find a pen/pencil and paper.
The letters on your keyboard are wearing off. (once a key actually fell off!)
Your friends and family think that you have carpal tunnel syndrome.
People think you have A.D.D.
You think it'd be cool to have A.D.D.
You zone out even with other people.
You constantly start talking in third person, present or past tense.
You start thinking about making lists like this and start giggling for no "apparent" reason
Your friends stopped looking at you funny for no apparent reason a loooooong time ago.
You're profile is REALLY long.
Your computer runs out of memory.
You can't stop writing!
And FINALLY, the one way to tell if you're a good writer: You failed English 101.
I guess I'm an author. . .
RANDOM THINGS
Bad spellers of the world, UNTIE!
I'm not short! Just fun size.
Welcome to the dark side. Why are you surprised we lied about the cookies?
Global warming killed Frosty
Screw world peace- I want a pony
The police never think its as funny as we do
I never finish anyth
I love math- 1+1=11
Trust me. I'm a Jedi
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minuet of it.
I reject your reality and substitute my own
DON'T check under the bed for monsters, but DO check behind the shower curtain for monsters/murderers/spiders
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)
On a Korean knife: “Keep out of children” (I should bloody well hope so!)
Boeing 757-"Fragile. Do not drop" (That means you, Hulk! Put that bloody aeroplane down, you might drop it!)
Scoopable cat litter-"safe to use around pets" (Again, I should bloody well hope so!)
Endust duster-"This product is not defined flammable by the consumer products safety commission regulations. However this product can be ignited under certain circumstances" (That's right, who doesn't use their dusters as kindling?)
Baby oil-"Keep out reach of children." (Good thing babies aren't children, isn't it!)
Hair coloring-"Do not use as an ice cream topping." (Yeh. My grandmother died because she thought my hair dye was ice-cream topping and put it in a sundae)
Komatsu Floodlight-"This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark" (OMG!! That's as amazing as a newsreader reading the news!)
Earplugs-"These earplugs are nontoxic, but they may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe." (Are you sure? Lets experiment.)
RCA television remote control-"Not dishwasher safe." (again now they tell me)
Road sign-"Caution: water on road during rain." (No. Shit. Sherlock)
25 Reasons to Thank my Mother:
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why.
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
1.YOUR REAL NAME:William
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME:(first 3 letters of real name plus izzle): Wilizzle
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color and favorite animal): matteblackflyingsquirrle
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, and current street name): Alexandria Hunter
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, last 3 letters of mom's maiden name)
6. YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Ice blue tea
7. YOUR ARAB NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, any letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maidenname, 3rd letter of you dads middle name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, last letter of your moms middle name)
8. YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one your pets): Black Po
9. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mothers middle name): *clasified
10. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (something bad, favorite fruit) Evil Mango
11. YOUR PIRATE NAME: (third favorite color, pirate accessory) Green saber
You know you live in 2009 when...
1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.
2.) You haven't played Solitaire with real cards for years
3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they're not on Facebook.
4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV
6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.
7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.
8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.
9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5.
10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.
11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly.
12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for that... You know you did.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Join the dark side. We have cookies!
I's the dark side. DID YOU REALLY EXPECT US TO GIVE YOU COOKIES?
Very few personal problems can't be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
There are three types of people: those who can count, and those who can't
All pigs are equal, some are more equal than others.
Sometimes you won't get these references. Don't Panic!

the trainee and the instructor

A trainee accidentally fired a shot right above his instructor's head, he asked
"What kind of a psycho are, shooting at me?"
The soldier replied "The same kind of psycho you trained me to be, sir."

answer

"Did anyone see you come in here?" he demanded.
Holly suppressed the grin and thought for a moment. "The FBI, SG1, CIA, NCIS, SGA, CSI, NSA, MIB, NCC 1701-D, BPRD, SGU, DEA, NTHS, IADC, FAB, M16, KFC, UCPO, The C18A26Y, WGTC, Section Eight, UNIT, Starfleet, NASA, The Jedi Council, Thunderbirds, The Department of Homeland Security, Torchwood, the Enterprise, The Ugly Thing of the Caves, The Secretaries of Juliet, the TARDIS, Cirque du Soleil, The Guezirod, SHEILDS, The Wicked Stepmother's Eating Drinking and Travelling Society, International Rescue, the X-Men, Cirque du Freak, the Volturi, The Doctor, The Wizards of Waverly Place, Saint Dane, The Brotherhood of Mutants, The Avengers, Mt. Olympus, The Vampire Generals, The Zenith Force, a Sith, The Fantastic Four, The Master, the Incredibles, Eoin Colfer, GOAL, The Fellowship of the Ring, The Justice League, The council of Cloven Elders, Marvel Comics, CHiPs, the Russian Mafia, NIMH, an oompa-loompa, the Three Musketeers, the Psy-corps, a sandman, some guy who was looking for bigfoot, the Brothers Grimm, a satellite that was pulled out of orbit just to watch me, oh and the EIB (everyone in the building)." Holly allowed herself a smug grin when she finished. Even Foaly could not think of a comeback for that one.
"You forgot the Ministry of Magic." He pointed out.
"D'Arvit! I knew I missed something!"